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January 16 I wanna be.... An inspiration. I was watching "unteachable" tonight on the ABC, and its one of those occasions in my life where i realise that i could be so much more than i am, in a professional capacity (I teach High School, for the uniformed). Its happened before, usually when i see other teachers going above and beyond, and being such an inspiration to their students, for involving themselves so much. The time before last was when Andrew Douch came to talk to us about using Web 2.0 tools in our classrooms. I think he may have struck a particular cord with me, as a fellow Biology teacher. I wanted to be so much more like him, to use my time so much more effectively. I've only been teaching for 2 years, so i know i have so much more to learn, and a better teacher to become. I can already see the results, see the progress that i've made as a teacher. But its a hard thing to measure. If i do it on the amount of time i spend preparing and thinking about lessons, then i've gotten worse. If i base it on VCE results, then its much improved (go Bio class of 08, you did me proud). I have thinking about it though, because i feel measuring teaching success is so difficult, which is why i don't really like the idea of performance based pay. Coz if you base it,say on my VCE results, then based on a state wide performance, then maybe not so good. But can you look a bit closer, please? Look at the kids who only took my class because they couldn't do their preferred subject, one that is as far removed from Bio that you can get. And then can you look at the effort they put in for me, the work they completed, the motivation they had? I'm an emotional person, i cry at the drop of a hat (i cried at that WorkSafe add where the daughter thought her dad had died, and then he appeared home....) but i had several moments this year when my students moved me so completely. The first was when a parent came up to me at Valedictory (year 12 graduation) and spoke to me about how i motivated her son, who didn't enjoy school or science subjects, but loved my class and talked at home about how much he enjoyed my class and how hard he tried for my exam. And then there were the two year 12's who both individually commented about how disappointed they were at their overall results, not because they were lower overall than what they wanted, but rather because they didn't want to disappoint me. Makes me tingle. So maybe in that capacity i am an inspiration. But i don't think i am. I don't think i'm doing enough. I don't think i'm working hard enough, making my lessons interesting enough. I'm not engaging those students who have those different intelligences that the guy in Unteachables was talking about. He does Punctuation Kung Fu. Oh yeah, Kung fu geastures and noises associated with punctuation marks. It was freakin awesome. I think thats my challenge this year. I'm teaching more boys than i ever have. And a difficult group of boys. And this worries me. It has ever since i heard what they were doing with the program. I'll admit it. I've been dreaming about crazy out-of-control science lesson for the past week. Alot involving boys looking like mad scientists. I may be a fraction stressed about this. I just want to translate that motivation i have with my senior kids to my more junior ones, coz i dunno if i can do it. I just don't know. January 15 In defence...... Every now and then an article comes out bagging out "my generation." I think i've mentioned it before, i know i've had many a discussion with my oldest sister about it; i think the two of us like to discuss it because we both like to label people. Mum always said that was a bad trait i had, that i had to label everyone, to put them into a box. It's probably true. Maybe i've grown out of it a bit though, i don't find myself grouping people in my head so much anymore (i do find myself being overly critical, and giving out fashion advice in my head, like someone has installed Trinny and Sussanah in there.....) But anyway... A couple of weeks before Christmas the Herald sun ran an article about the differences between the generations, using the same stereotypes that these articles always use, grouping people based on about three characteristics based on the year they were born. For those of you who don't care about this stuff the way i do, here's the run down for you. Baby Boomers: People born in the post WWII days, when war was over and people had lotsa sex. According to Wiki, and thats according to the US census, they are born between '46 and '64 (small note, there is SO MUCH arguments over where generation dates begin and end, and what constitutes a generation. generally its like 20 years, and there's milestones in those periods of time that binds these people together as a group, i'm not getting into it, its too complicated and i don't care that much) These people lived through the 60's and 70's, and came into adulthood during this "experimental" and "free love" time. This is then equated to a more relaxed approached to things than the generations that came before them, less rigid, more of a feel that they can change things. Then comes Generation X: '61 to '81 born, very different from the generations either side of it. Probably best described as conservative. They came to adulthood in the recessions of the 80's. They knew it was hard work, they faced the AIDS crisis, the cold war and the commonality of Divorce. Then comes us (or me), Gen Y. I hate descriptions of gen y. the start date of my generation is one of the hotly debated topics on Wiki, mid seventies to early 80's to about the year 2000. But then, just like every generation, there seems to be two groups, and early group and a late group. Like someone born in 85 (like me) is very different to someone born in 2000. (case in point, i spoke to my year 7's last year about 9/11 on the anniversary, i remember it clearly and horrifically, they remember it in vague terms, something that disrupted their ABC Kids viewing, or the simple fact that they've always had the internet, or don't remember dial up). Gen Y are the children of the Baby Boomers. Those relaxed bastards are the reason we get such a bad rep. Coz you see, they were relaxed and indulgent, so we're relaxed and indulgent. We're coming into adulthood now, or for about the last what, 10 years? See, here's the article that the herald sun ran, here and this is how they describe us "Gen Y is characterised by its "all about me" attitude. Gen Y-ers are notoriously selfish, live for today and spend big." oh goody, and wait, they're examples of our generation are really good too..... Britney and Paris. That totally sums up everyone i know. So here comes the part where i defend my generation. You see, the one thing that i keep hearing about my generation is that we've had it so good. We never had to struggle for anything, we had it easy. Unemployment is low, economy was good. Yeah yeah, i get it. We've had it easy. sure. But think about that for a moment, have we really? Getting into Uni isn't as easy as it used to be. ENTER's go up all the time, and on top of that so do HECS. Sure, so did Gen X have a debt, some of them. But as high as ours? And on top of that, when all my friends around me are finishing up uni and entering working life, what have we got? Oh yeah, a recession like all you Xers went through when you were entering the work force. I have friends who are engineers, who's jobs in these industry's are at risk all the time when they've just started them. I'm one of the few people who are secure in their employment, coz i'm a teacher. You know, one of those jobs that just screams "selfish and Me! Me! Me!" On top of that, more and more of my friends are finding that they have to do multiple degree's to get anywhere near what they want to do in life. Most people i know grew up in families that had financial troubles. They remember the heated arguements between parents, the silence and the tears. The fact that both parents had to work to make ends meet. The continual divving up of money just so we could go on school camp. The fact that we didn't have an oven for a couple of years. We didn't have idylic childhoods. Sure, most girls i know love to shop, and yeah, we can be selfish, but i pretty much think thats a human trait, selfishness. I don't really see many people 20 years older than me being less selfish. I don't see them giving up their time or their money anymore than my generation does. It just annoys me that my generation get blamed for many traits that we have, traits that are a product of the way we were raised or the examples we see from the previous generation. So there's my rant. December 09 In My Day.....John Brumby this week has come out and told us that he is going to bring back the concept of Respect to the "youth of today." As someone who's been trying to do that for two years now, i say good luck to him. I also think its funny that he's going to be aiming at the 12-25 year olds, and using schools to do it. I think its funny coz i'm both in the demographic that he wants to target for being disrespectful and someone who he wants to help teach respect.
I'll tell you one thing about respect, its an overused concept. Yes its good, but the kids have been told over and over again that respect is something they're supposed to have for others, and we're supposed to give it, but i think they've been told it so many times that they have no real concept of what it really means.
And here's what i think is a bigger problem about the "youth of today" or at least the kids i know, they have no independence or way of solving they're own problems. Many people i know tell me that they never would have told a teacher the stuff my students tell me, or they never would have felt comfortable in discussing it in front of a teacher, like my kids do. Now, on one hand its because i like to think i have an especially good relationship with my students. My connection to them, and my interaction with them is the one thing i have, it makes up for the laziness or the occassional lack of content knowledge (i'm not good at physics). But the other, more worrying, trend is that kids these days cannot solve their own problems. There's no knuckling down to figure out an answer, or to stop your friends from leaving you out of things or to stop bullying.
Now, in some cases bullying does need school intervention, if it turns very violent or threatening. But we have kids who have tiffs with friends, or who are being picked on by the popular girls, and they come to us, and want us to solve this problem. Its building what the educational pyschologists call "resiliance" problems. And its so true. Kids can't take criticism and can't solve problems.
And this is adding to the other raft of social interaction problems that are arrising because of electronic communication. A couple of weeks ago the Education section of the Age ran a really good article about the impact that electronic communcation is having on the real life communication skills of the "youth of today." As we grow and develop we learn the subtleties of human interaction, we learn what body language and tone of voice mean and the inflections and impacts that can have on a conversation. They now think that growing reliance by young people on digital communcation (such as msn and texting) is resulting in lower communication skills often seen in people who have Aspbergers syndrome. People who can't interact socially, who have poor verbal communication and who can't understand body language! I found it completely facinating.
And this brings me, in a round about way, to the "in my day" card. Hamish and Andy were talking the other day about ringing girls when they were younger, that it was a battle to find a private place to use the one landline phone in the house, before cordless phones and mobiles. that it was a challenge and they had to work hard to talk to girls. That kids these days have it easy coz they all have mobiles and msn, that there's no challenge anymore. I thought it was good, but still, they're losing out because they have it so easy. that we built reslience and problem solving skills by having to figure out a way to be unnoticed on the phone.
So, i'm not envious of being a kid these days. it was simple when i grew up, and i think i'll be better rounded because of it. I developed good communication skills because i had to communicate in a logical way with people, by phone or face to face. I got through bullying by solving it myself and hardening the fuck up. I was called fat and ugly and weird looking and it didn't give me an eating disorder, and i didn't tell a teacher.
Maybe the kids today should all grow up in the country. or at least without the internet. October 06 23 Jimmy Eat world sung about not living
in ones regrets at 23, not loving what i'll never have and not loving
selfish things. I was quite happy to turn 23 so i could honestly sing
these lyrics, not sing them and think, maybe that will happen when i'm
23. It was like being 17 and finally being able to blame the rain on
the fact that you lied. At the start of this year, and as my birthday is in January, the start of 23, i was talking to my friend Robyn about which years of ours had been good. I expressed a warm sentiment for 13, when things were idyllic and fun, and she relished 21. We both agreed that 22 for her had been shocking and 23 was going to really have to suck badly if it was to sink to those depths. 22 for me hadn't been much of a year at all for me. Nothing monumental happened. Sure, i started my job as a teacher, but i had been working towards that for 7 years, it was the next step, the expected rather than the exciting. Around me people were off having adventures and i was settling into my routine. So excuse me for feeling that 23 was going to be of similar prospects. Robyn rightly pointed out that i was going overseas twice that year and that there should be enough for me to bring 23 up above the levels of previous years, and she had "a feeling" about 23. Sometimes i wonder at her psychic abilities. Coz that girl is far too often right. 23 has been pretty damn magnificent. I did go OS twice, to NZ and USA both trips teaching me a bit about myself and changing the relationships with the people i traveled with. In the US i realised i can do things by myself and its not too bad. I can make flights and talk to strangers and make friends in hostels. In NZ i appreciated not only the beauty but also started to see my mother as more of an individual person and not just my mum. And then there's CYM; certain young man. For someone who has long bemoaned her single status and lack of romance on this blog, a part of me finds it interesting that i don't have much to say about him, except he's wonderful. He makes me happy. The thought of losing him scares the crap out of me and twists my stomach up. Its sometimes like he peels away the layers of bullshit faux toughness and extrovertedness and makes me softer. I'm not going to gush anymore, i don't want to be that girl too much, but sometimes i feel that perhaps any other year is going to have to have some drastic changes in it if it is to top 23. August 27 Year Ninei surveyed my Year Nine Girls class today.
This picture shows three women, a size 8, 12 and 14.
I surveyed the girls asking which they would most like to look like, in terms of body, and a hundred percent said either the 12 or the 14 (90% said the size 12)
I then asked them which clothing size they would like to be,
77% said size 10 or lower. 35% said size 8 or lower.
when asked. 10% said there was nothing about their bodies that they liked.
And, interestingly enough, this came from a survey that a magazine conducted which found that 80% of men surveyed preferred the 12 or 14 body to the 8. May 05 Happiness (mark II)I've been thinking a lot about what makes someone happy lately... What do you call happiness? By certain standards, one could think that if you are reading this blog than your happiness meter shouldn't be dipping into the low levels. After all, you have access to a computer/internet and you can read.. These two things imply certain thins about your place in the world, such as your access to education, food, shelter, wealth to name but a few... but i know for a fact that this doesn't mean ultimate happiness, that there are many things in your life that can make you unhappy and you could be expereincing them right now... Loss, being an obvious one, and thats loss in any form, from death to break-ups, these things cause pain and are a source of unhappiness, but the list of things making you unhappy could be long, and to other peoples eyes maybe a little self involved or melodramatic. What gets me about this attitude is that no-one else is in your life, you're the only one seeing it from your perspective, so how can they assume that they really know what makes you sad about your day to day? If they can't and don't experience the things that you do, then they can't feel the way that you feel. So, that said, i dunno if we can use an objective measure for happiness... but i digress
Several freinds expressed concern today as my facebook status reads: 'Melinda Phelps is choosing to be happy' as this implies that there is something in my life that is making me unhappy, that something had happened that suggests that i may be feeling unhappy legitimately (or what they feel as being a legitimate reason, coz again, don't think there is an arbitary scale for this kind of thing). Because this is the thing, we all have a list of reasosn why people can be unhappy and if whats causing your sadness isn't on that list, then its seen as being melodramatic or attention seeking rather than actual unhappiness. But should it be? Just as we all have different world views, different opinions, shouldn't we all have different levels of what makes us happy or not? Don't we all have different levels of what we are willing to suffer through to get happiness, or what we are willing to let ourselves believe to convince us that we really are happy?
My facebook status is acutally me paraphrasing a book i just finished, Second Helpings. In in the protagonist has just experienced 9/11 and is dealing with the tragedy of the situation. She goes to see her 90 year old grandmother, who she asked for perspective. And her grandmother told her she could focus on the negatives and tradgey of her life and choose to be sad, or think about what she does have and choose to be happy. I think far too many people in my generation choose to be self absorbed and choose to be sad, me included. i wouldn't be writing this to no-one if i didn't have a certain level of self absorbity. i think it comes form being told i could be anything i wanted to be, but thats a point for later discussion.
I know when people look at my life on paper i have no reason to be unhappy... good stable job, three overseas trips within 12 month period, money to afford rent and the movies, all my senses and limbs intact, no one is storming my family home and killing my family, as so happened to any number of my students.... and yet.... things get to me, and things make me sad. Not usually things about me, but things about the people around me... The friend who seeks comfort in sex when she feels lonely. Another who would rather be stuck in something bad than be alone, the quiet sadness of the friend who lacks the confidence to realise she's beautiful and can go and talk to that guy. The other that seems to pick the wrong sorts of guys, friends that struggle with finding their paths in life, or something they are trully passionate about............. but yeah, there are plenty of things about me and my life that make me sad, that then make me feel selfish and self absorbed when i compare them to other things.. but i can't help it, these things make me sad. I'm sad when i miss my friends, the ones that are overseas and the ones that don't seem to think i'm worth it anymore. I'm sad that i can't seem to budge that weight, i'm sad that i can't meet anyone that's actually interested in me as a person. I'm sad that my sex life is too embarrassing to talk about. I'm sad that the people that i seem to provide strength and advice to can't seem to do the same for me. I'm sad that i feel powerless to fix any of these problems, and that if i try it will leave me felling more rejected and more sad than i did before i started
What makes me wonder is how we get to be happy, what changes we need to make to make us less sad. My mother once told me you have to be happy within youself and within your life as an individual before you would be happy being with someone else. At my best moments i can say i am. At my best moments i can say that i'll be happy if this, right now, is my life forever. At my worst i hate everything and everyone and can't see the point. I think most of the time i'm somewhere in the middle: accepting, and making the most of what i do have. I can have fun and enjoy my life if this is what it is. And maybe that's better. i've seen what the need to be with someone, that fear that being alone is the worst thing in the world, or that you have to sleep with someone as a solution for male loneliness can do to people, and frankly, i think i'm better off at the moment. Part of me is glad that i've never had a real relationship too. Coz thats what i feel is often the stem of the proble, They expereinced that connection and companionship and after its gone, they suffer as they miss it. I can't miss what i never had... If i feel low and crappy, i go and buy two books, a piece of lemon slice and see a bad movie. Somehow this seems healthier than lonliness sex or serial monogamy in relationships that don't work.
So i'm choosing to be happy, i'm choosing to focus on the little amazing things in my life: autumn leaves, Kate Nash, retro 90's music, snuggling into warm blankets, going to the movies, lemon slice, hazlenut latte's, Cafe's, new scrubs and gossip girl, the "here's looking at you" section in mX, the fact that a student who hasn't done science in two years scored a 24/25 on a SAC, that my remedial kids are starting to understand times tables, that Sarah is happy to lend me Dawsons Creek, that my trip to the States is under 2 months away, that the movie Once opened me up to a range of cool new music, 'Once more with feeling' - the buffy musical, Meg Cabots blog.... these things make me smile, and i'm trying to do more of that, smile. If i can be happy on the outside, maybe it'll rub off...
So right now,
I'm choosing happiness
Night,
Mel
xoxo
Listen to: The Frames, or the Swell sessions
Read: The Jessica Darling Trilogy by Megan McCafferty
See: Gossip Girl eps 1-15
Spend more time: choosing to be happy April 17 Things that are supposed to make your life easier, but don't.Its something that modern life commentors talk about all the time, the things that are supposed to make our lives easier but don't. I think its because we have this obsession with making things easier... But what if they really don't? what if they're adding more things to do in your life or making things infuriating?
I will now take the time to alert you to these things, as i see them:
1. The Dishwsaher - We have recently come into the possession of a dishwasher (by that, i mean that our landlord replaced the broken one) and i think its the biggest waste of time and water and energy. I've always thought that they were stupid, but i was willing to give them a chance until i had experienced one. At least i know now i was right. And here is the reason why i think they're shit. I always thought that a dishwasher took over from what i was doing at the sink, but it doesn't. It takes away approximately half of my load and has left me with the worst dishes to do. I hate doing dishes and coz of the "abrasive qualities" of dishawasher detergent, i can't do the following items in the dishwasher:Non stick, fry pans, trays, wooden or metal untensils, pots,"good crockery," sharp knives and some plastic dishes. Yes, thats right, that means i'm left with plates cups and cutlery that can go in there... and even then the cutlery either needs a bit of a buff or to be taken out and hand dried as not to get spots on them. And, oh yeah, things aren't often cleaned well enough and you have to do them by hand anyway. and,oh yeah, it may ruin or dirty the glasses as well.
Take, for example,a pasta bake dish that went in the first load. it had been soaking for several days, and if i had done it by hand it would have taken no more than a little light scour. Instead, it soaked, dishwashed, and then i had to scour to get the marks off. On top of these issues, we seem to be doing far more dishes than we usually did! So, to dishwashers, i say not good enough.
2. Digital TV: I love ABC2, i really do. It allows me to watch the Doctor on a friday night (coz we all know that ABC isn't about to bring us season 4 anytime soon. HEY, ABC, Give Us The Doctor!) but there are aspects of Digital TV that annoy me. It could just be my set top box, i don't know, i haven't had it long enough nor compared it to other peoples experiences, but there are things it does.... The delay when i change channels is the most annoying thing. the fact that i click digital 7 and have that 1,2,3 second wait for the channel to appear. It makes channel surfing a little bit harder and a little bit annoying. One feature i thought i was gonna love,the digital on screen guide, is out today. Channel 7 keeps telling me its 4:30 and M*A*S*H is about to start... No, its not, i'm watching Gordon Ramsey! And why does Channel 7 need three versions of itself? they're all the same! And, yes, i'm cheap,but can't the other networks give us a SD 2nd channel like ABC2?
3. DVD's: As anyone who knows me can atest, i am addicted to buying DVD's, but there are things about some DVD's that could change now. If you are going top sell the bonus edition with a fancy decorative slip cover, can you make sure that the actual cover is good looking too? I'm talking to you hairspray. TV on DVD should always have a play all option. I like marathons, let me have one without all the menu's. Speaking of menu's,we don't really need that many. TV on DVD again seems to be really bad when it comes to this, especially Sex and the City. Talk about menu overload. The intial menu is gotten to through a language select menu, then each menu has its own menu with a synopsis about the episode, and then when you select play, it goes to another menu. (and they don't have a play all option). oh, and if there is only four episodes on the disk, you do have the option of putting all four of them on the screen when you hit episode selection....
This isn't a time waster, but it is annoying, so i'm gonna mention it. I have when TV shows are released as individual seasons slowly, and then a box set after you've got them all. Gilmore girls is my latest annoyance. I'm at the unfortunate position of owning 3 out of 7 seasons on DVD. Thats about $150 just there, which is pretty damn close to the 7 season box set. Now, do i go and buy the box set? 4 seasons for that much is pretty good, considering the 7th season is $50 and the others are $30 (so $140 for the four that i'm missing, versus i think its $174 for them all in a pretty box). I'm torn. Add to this that two seasons were 21st presents....... i just don't know. But the whole concept annoys me. Like the fact that i know that the last Harry Potter movie will be released on DVD in the following ways(coz its really going to be 2 movies remember). Each half of DH on seperate editions, plus a special edition of both of them, then released as a single edition, then a single edition special edition, then the whole 7(8) movies will be released as a box set. Thats 5 versions of the same movie that someone could potentially own, assuming there is no directors cut or special anniversary editions.
4. email and texting: Sure i love them both and will remain dedicated to them, but think about the time you waste checking them both when you have no email nor texts. I think i check my email at least three times a day, as well as my facebook, and my phone at every school break. and no one loves me, i could be doing something way more productive with my time. Add to that the fact that i still sit down and read the physical mail when i get home, as well as MSN conversations, the fact that i have three ways to email me and facebook and this blog, and i think that means, overall, that there are far too many ways to contact me via written media and i have to keep up with them all (time time time). [oh, ok fine, i love people talking to me and i wish more people did. i wish i had tonns of texts and person emails from people, and that i had in depth msn conversations with people everynight... i think the bigger problem is the fact that this doesn't happen.... if i did, then it wouldn't be a time waster!]
5. This isn't a modern one, but in conclusion, i wish buses and trains ran on time, all the time, so i don't spent so much time waiting. I wait for my delayed train, which results in me missing a bus and then wait while the next bus is late. I then get to wait while annoyin Killester college girls take forever to get on and off the bus coz they're too busy flirting with Hailebury boys who aren't interested. I then get to wait after school when the afternoon buses never run on time...
so that, for the moment is my rant, i could add to the list slow computers, call waiting, slow walking pavement hogs, bank lines, supermarket lines, people who don't know what they want in cafe's but those things make me sound like i'm 80...
Read: Sloppy Firsts - Maureen McCaffery
Listen: anything but that crap lowrider bull shit
see: comedy festival road show if its near you, coz the actual fest was awesome!
Stay strong!
Mel February 08 The guys in ours, and Carrie's, LivesOk, so my own blog got me thinking and wanting to write another one. Whihc is nice, i haven't felt inspired in a very long time.
Yesterday i wrote about the "gonna possibly be the one" guy. they guy in your life that you probably dated once and have the thought in the back of your heads that when you grow up and settle, when you're done being frivoulous and dating the wrong people. It made me think of the other common types of guys (or possibly relationships rather than guys, i think its probably a better classification) that seem to feature in many of the people i know lives, and funnily enough, in the SATC girls lives! (i know, i know, everything leads back to SATC). So here is my list, i hope i can remember them all:
The aforementioned Gonna Possibly be the One guy: This is the guy that you dated when you were younger and probably had an intense relationship with. He was a prominant feature in your life. Supportive, Kind. You were probably friends when you weren't in a romantic relationship with them. it was probably on and off. He's great and you always thought that you'd end up with him when you wanted to settle after you finished travelling the world and having flings with inappropriate men. Completely devastating if, for some reason, it doesn't work out that way. Glorious when it does. Miranda and Steve have this kind of relationship. It didn't work, but they remained close after grieving the intial break-up. And, coz its TV, they live happily ever after.
The Screw you around Guy: This guy is great and when it started the relationship was probably great. You are really compatible and he makes you feel fantastic. But something goes wrong and it ends. i think he probably ends it most of the time. But its one of those things that doesn't end cleanly. You like him more than you should and in that messy stage between breaking up and him hurting you so badly you can't move, you may have thought that he was a Gonna.... guy. You probably have sex alot after you break up, with him using it as an emotional crutch. you might be sarrogate bf/gf when each of you are single. But he was never going to commit. and you shouldn't be hoping to. This guy seems all to common in my circle of friends. And its really an early season (and in my opinion, never changing, but i know other SATC fans disagree) Big. he was never into this and used Carrie as an emotional and physical crutch when he needed it. They give the impression of caring about your feelings but don't act in a way that really shows that they understand what is going on.
The emotional screw up/the not ready to commit: This guy has the potential to be fatanstic and the perfect guy, if it wasn't for something that makes him not quite right. the relationship may have started well, but something held him back or stopped it. He may not deal well with the growing seriousness of the relationship or may not deal well with little conflicts that creep up. I group him with not ready to committ dude, coz i think guys who aren't ready to committ is probably because he has some emotional hang-ups! (maybe thats just my beautiful niavete talking). Jack Burger, Carrie's screwed up dude. His ex ruined him, and i think its a factor for many guys. or they're just wankers.
The never should have happened: Could be one night, could be longer. the guy you took on coz you were lonely and needed the companionship. Because we all love the feeling of feeling loved and wanted. We hang on to this guy for too long, we want it to work so we don't have to go back to the state that Carrie so articulately put it: "I'm lonely. The Loneiness is palpable" So we keep them. I think Trey started this way for Charlotte. As did the Robert (black knicks Dr) that Miranda was with.
The One. Ahhh, the one. ahhh. like they exisit.
Ok, so i know i thought of one more, but i want to go to drinks and i can't remember it at the moment.
So think about your lives, if your a guy does the list transpose, is it the same? If you know me well, can you match the guy to the list, if your a friend of mine, can you think of your ex and where i would slot them?
hmmmm
ok, have an ace weekend everyone!
February 07 Oh Carrie Bradshaw, what have you done to us?Ok, its not her fault. its mine, coz i've been watching too much sex and the city. Everytime i do it means that i start thinking like her and think i can write my blogs to sound like her.... but we only ever hear like three lines from her column. And they're always a question.... but that just means that i start thinking in questions, and questions ultimately lead to more questions and i don't think i get any answers if i keep asking questions.
But, feel like i am in the mood for a carrie-esq type of blog today.....
I am realising that there is a common phenomena amoungst most of my friends and its guy related. It seems that many of us have a guy that we always thought we were supposed to be with. Not like i believe that i am supposed to be with Colin Firth, but a guy that we had previously had something with, and it was usually long and truamatic and drawn out, and that there had been some heart break or confusion there, but we still had the belief, that when we all grew up and the shit fell away that they would be the one. This concept is interesting on many levels, and one stand out one is what happens when something happens to make it impossible for that person to ever commit to us? Do we, to keep to the SATC vernacular, move onto the other "great love" that we get? (coz remember, we all get two) or is there a part of us that will hang onto them forever and is it this hanging onto concept that will restrict any futher happiness that we may have?
Because the thig about these guys is that we don't really admit to anyone that they are this great hope of love for us, because generally its rarely acknowledged. the fact that you are supposed to end up with them is more like a given fact than something you dwell on. Because this guy isn't one we're actviely chasing or possibly have an active relationship with. He's just there. Most likely he's been there for a very long time and you're taking him for granted that he will always be there. Thats why you only realised how unhealthy it was when it was over. Or is it even unhealthy? Because what makes a relationship (or a non-relationship) unhealthy? If you are not putting you or your life on hold for that person, if you are still dating and what not, what is the harm in having the "gonna be the one" guy? The people that i know only seem to be greatly affected by the gonna be the one guy when he settles for someone else, it was then that they realised that they had always assumed that he was gonna be the one. These girls had be dating and getting involved with other guys, they loved other people and continue to love other people. If they can continue to be able to do that, then what makes having at "gonna be the one" guy bad?
Maybe we all have these guys and maybe i don't think it is a bad thing i think most relationships only turn bad when there is hurt and hate involved. When you stop living your life for you, but put it on hold for that person. Maybe thats selfish, but i don't think that people should sacrifice things that they value and want to achieve for someone else, just like i don't think people should wait for people to realise that they should be with you. Because, remember, the thing about the "gonna be the one" guy, he's just there, you're not actively putting your life on hold, he's just there.
The other thing i love about this season of SATC: Jack Burger. Ron Livingston i love you. He's not particularly stunning, not too skinny, but just nice. But he's smart and self depricating and (until he broke up with her on a post-it) totally in love with her. I want to scream, Burger, you may not be rightut you're right for me!!!!!!!
Ahhh, but alas, he's gone and now we have the skeezy Alexander.... gross...
Hope everyone had a great summer break!
Listen to: Scouting for girls
Watch: SYTYCD-A
Read: anything by celcelia ahern
hugs and love
mel January 02 Don't wait.I went to see P.S. I Love You today, i felt i was in the mood to cry and any movie that has the premise of dead guys writing letters to his wife gets me in for a bit of a weep. It was a really bittersweet movie. It also made me long to meet an Irish guy, but that was probably coz the guy that played Denny from Grey's was in it being Irish, but really, thats beyond the point. it has some really bad reviews but it was Mary-Ann's over at Flick Filosopher that swayed me to go see it (she's now my guide to all movies). I usually prefer to see movies alone, which to many people is unheard of. I'm the kind of person that makes comments under my breath in films and i find that if i'm with someone when i'm watching a movie, these comments need explaining. And it disrupts the flow. That coupled with the fact that i tend to be a bit aware of them during the movie generally equates to me not having as good as movie experience. Hence, my going to movies with people is usually restricted to fluffy no thought movies. Not that PS I love you required much thought, but with my head space i just wanted to lose myself in a movie and i need to be alone to do that! But there was a point during PS i love you that i wanted pretty much all my close girl friends to be there for, so they could here the message that i was hearing and think about it the way i was thinking about it. At one point, Gerry tells Holly that she needs to stop waiting for her life to happen. She was talking about waiting until they start their real life, until they have more money, a bigger place, more security and he makes the point that there is no real life, that the life that they were in was the real one. So many people i know are waiting for something else to happen before they start living their lives, or doing something different. Like my best friend who seemed to retract a bit from her life, not experience it as much as she could have because she was going overseas. She had this mind-set that that was when it was all going to happen, that that was when her life was about to start. So many people have the "not until..." attitude to things, I won't use the good china until i own a house, i won't start relaxing till i have that job, i don't want to start working a full time "adult" job because that will mean that real life has started. But think about this, all this time you're not doing something your wasting that time. You don't know how long you've got. You may never get that house because you might die first and that was a waste of good crockery. You might get overseas and find the people you really want to be with are at home and life on the other side of the world isn't an answer to those life conquests. You might find that in clinging to your adolescence but taking on casual jobs and further studies means you end up getting left behind. I told the girls on Monday night that i wasn't going to make a resolution this year, but after seeing PS... i think i am going to. I'm not going to wait. (or i'm going to try not to). I'm going to live and experience my life. There will be not "not until..." or "after i do this" this year. I will take all those opportunities. I will embrace my travelling, i will embrace my friendships, i will embrace my work. Coz after all, this is my life, this is the only chance i will get to do these things. Sure, i'm still going to save money for overseas, i'm still going to work and not got out some weekends coz i'm tired. But i'm not waiting for anything now. And you should do the same. Listen to: David Ford Read: PS i love you Live the way you should be living Love Mel xoxo December 18 The 90'sOn the weekend i made a bargain purchase. I bought the essential 90's 5 disc box set for $15 and i couldn't be happier. I love the nineties; i may have been born in the 80's but everything about me was shaped by the 90's. My most recent obsession with the 90's started because of youtube. Go online and type in "hits of the 90's" or "best of the 90's." Some of them are really good, a nice bit of nostalgia for you. Alot of them are made by people who obviously had a late 90's focus, mainly by the scary inclusion of Creed in the best of the nineties... The other thing I've noticed about the nineties is that they're now kind of retro... or to make you all feel really old, on of my year 7's said today "Miss, the nineties aren't retro, they're ancient. The early 00's are retro!" So all of this has got me thinking about what sets me apart from the children who were born ten years after me, my current year 7's to 9's. Here's my list.... - The first video game you remember playing is Duck Hunt or Mario, or maybe Donkey Kong - Degrassi taught you everything you needed to know about being a teenager. - You watched the original Power Rangers - You remember when there was only 5 Sailors Scouts in Sailor Moon. - Justin was a member of NSync, Gwen was a member of No Doubt - Rage ran later than 6am and did a count down - You watched the originals of Friends - You remember sitcoms like Caroline in the City, Suddenly Susan, Veronica's Closet, and Jessie - You also idolised 90210 and Melrose - You recognised Pacey from Dawson's as Charlie from Mighty Ducks - You rode rollerblades through your house and in the garage. - Channel nine showed a half hour of cartoons at 5 everyday, exposing you to the joys of Animaniacs, Gargoyles, Batman and Pinky and the Brain - You had Troll dolls, Koosh balls and those throw and catch velcro things - The ABC was awesome, exposing you to the following things: Degrassi, Blinky Bill, Babar, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Talespin, Smurfs, Rug Rats, Rocko's Modern Life, Fat Cat, Raggy Dolls, Mr Squiggle, Round the Twist, Sooty, Super Ted, Banana Man, Trapdoor, Roger Ramjet, Captain Planet, Inspector Gadget, Vidiot, Fireman Sam, Postman Pat, Lift Off, Play School, Sesame Street, Paddington Bear, Gumby, Tin-tin - There were really cool kids game shows such as A*Mazing. - You didn't have a home computer till you were a teenager - You didn't have the net till far far after that - when you did get a PC you played Stunts, Commander Keen and Wacky Wheels. - No hat no play didn't exisit. - You collected Tazo's and Yowies. - Mars bars and cans of drink were under a dollar. - Tucker Bag still exisited. - The Spice Girls were new, Hanson were young and the first boy band you loved was NKOTB - Angry boy music was Korn, Slipknot and Limp Bizkit - You worried about the turn of the mellenium. Ok, i've run out of stuff. I really need more sitcoms! Ahhh, nostalgia November 28 Golden CompassGolden compass is a new movie coming out, in it people's soul's are kept outside of their bodies, and can act as company and can be useful. On the golden compass website you can find out what form your soul, or Daemon will take. I like everything but the humble bit...
This is mine, go ahead and comment and stuff.
November 02 My Foot HurtsYep, you heard it here first, my foot hurts. I've had a fair amount of pain in the left arch of my foot for a couple of weeks now, but have i done anything about it? Nope, am i going to? nope. I can still walk!
Ok, its been a while since i last posted, a crazy couple of weeks, starting the new term, ending a two year friendship, some where in there i forgot to post a new blog and now i feel it is at least time for one.
Now to think of something interesting...
..
....Still thinking....
Oh, i know. As you all know, i recently joined a dating web site as a bit of a lark. I met one guy who unceremoniously told me i had too much personality and i haven't met anyone from the site since. But as i write about it on here, certain members of my family know about my joining a dating website. My Brother-in-law, Brett (hi brett, i know you read this) went and had a look at my profile. And the one thing he had to comment on it was the fact that i didn't have a religion mentioned in my profile. Now, here's some back story for you. When brett first entered the family i was going through a phase of my adolescence. You know how most 15 year olds rebel, and start drinking and smoking and sleeping around? And you know how this is usually under the influence of their peer group and what the peer group pressures them to do? Well, one could say that i had a cery unique peer group in high school, one who's weird 15 year old phase was actually one of religion. Sure, some members of my group were, and still are religious, in fact, i had been going to church evey sunday since i was a child, but in year 9 and 10 my group stepped in up a level, with members of my extended group going to devotioal groups and events on the weekend. My extent of the involvement wasn't as intense as those aroung me, i never went to bible study or anything, i only wore one WWJD wrist band (never a FROG or a PUSH band). I didn't see (and sorta still don't see) the point in studying a book that is so out of date that says that i should be stoned to death beacuse i am currently wearing a cotton/elastane shirt (Leviticus). BUT because brett met me in the middle of that period, he now thinks i'm super religious. Oh, i also didn't drink very much in high school, and didn't have massive intentions of boozing alot at uni. The thing is, i'm a science teacher. i've spent the last 6 weeks teaching my students about evolution, especially human evolution and there's a big part of me that doubts the whole thing. Like i've said to people before, sometimes i feel like religion and after life is just something we've created to make ourselves feel less lost in this nothingness. We're all so scared of this being it, and being the true masters of our own destinies (failures and successes) that having someone else to talk to and blame is comforting. Do i believe in god? i dunno, i haven't figured that out yet. Do i believe in an organised church? No, i think faith is more personal than that. BUT there are certain things about the church and the churches practices that i find comforting and have had a big impact on my family. Sundays were always family time in our house, it was the times we'd spend with our cousins, where we'd get auntie to make us her fantastic pizza and we'd play rummy Q all afternoon. it was the times of crazy fete's with too much helium, and trying to walk all the way around the church on that little ledge. it was the time that i wanted to be as old and cool as my older sisters and cousins so they'd let us play with them.
Marriage by a preist has more meaning, and baptisim is a nice, official celebration of a new life. Sure, this isn't the point of these events, but thats what i like about them, thats what i take the meaning from. So i'll kneel in church when i go, and i'll take communion because i like traditions and family, and, well, if He does turn out to be real, i've done that and been there....
The other big thing that happened over the last couple of weeks is me pulling a Martha Jones and getting out of a bad friendship that ws going no where. I know many of you were gunning for this to happen for a very long time now and you'll all be pleased to hear that it has been over a month since i last had any contact with him. And, that said, perhaps the hardest month ever. you know how it always starts off easy and gets super hard, well its gotten super hard in the last two weeks. I supposed it doesn't help that Jane and Lyrissa are over seas and that means unning ou tof friends to actually spend time with in a physical sense. it just makes me more loenly. And then, of course, is the personal torture. The constant thing people do of thinking about someone and wondering what they're doing and if they're missing you. coz i do that. its the one thing i am thankful for my year 12's for, they've completely kept my mind off it (fingers crossed for monday morning, the day of their exam). I wish i had more insight into this. i wish there was an end to this tunnel, a moment or a date to which i can say, that is the moment that i can start talking to him again, that is the day i can message him to say hi. But i know that if i still miss him then its not the right time to start something up again. That if i did that then then i know that it would result in the two of us falling back into the same messed up shit we had last time.
So i have to resist my curiosity, i have to not wonder about whether he got summer work this year and if his interviews would have gone better if i had been there to run through interview techniques like i said i was going to. Or if he has seen the last 6 episodes of Dr Who and if it would be a bad thing if i anonomously sent them to him for christmas (of course, it wouldn't be too anonomous as it would be obvious that i would have done it).
gah,
On happier news, NZ is booked and paid for! And my US trip is well on the way to being planned (and after that i will be so broke its not funny). It does, however, seem obsurd that i am flying all that way for two weeks, and i have no idea how it is going to fit into school, what with jet lag and crazy flights and what not. I just think i will be having multiple days off at the end of the term and the beginning of the next term!
Still, i'm excited about the fact that i'm finally going somewhere! Yay!
Ok, end of week drinks are on, let us depart
Listen to: Anything by coldplay
Watch: The Final of So You Think You Can Dance (go Neil!!!!!)
Cross your fingers for: My Unit 4 kids to pass their Bio Exam!
Love and missing you hugs
Mel October 05 Cosmo's backflipI hate to admit it, but I actually buy Cosmo monthly. And I get excited about it too. The last couple of months I’ve been less so, especially when they got a new format, which I don't like. But after last months I find myself in a bit of a conundrum. I find myself a little appalled with Cosmo and with the need to find a new girl mag. But I hate Cleo and Hamish Blake has an article in Cosmo, and as Hamish as an arse that you could take a bite out of, I feel I should be supportive of him
Here's the reason for my new found hatred for Cosmo. Last months edition, the one with Delta Goodrem on the cover, was their “body love” (a giant myth, I tell ya) issue. The reasons this is a crock of shit title are a couple fold. For example, how can a magazine filled with beautiful, airbrushed size 6’s encourage body love amongst hormonal size 12 13 year olds who already believe they’re ugly?
Lets skim through Cosmo and I’ll tell you how completely wrong the title of the magazine was. Infact, it probably should have been called “you’re fat, you’re ugly and you’ll never compare to this” edition:
- 7 pages of advertisements, make mostly, but there was one for shoes and handbags featuring skinny women with legs that come up to my shoulders - Editorial, not bad this time (not interesting either. Sarah, our annoying editor had a thyroid problem when she was younger and she learnt to “nurture” her body. Joy) - More skinny model ads for makeup - Models that get paid $37.6 million a year - Ooh, look that models in a wet t-shirt and you can see her nipple. Now that will sell perfume - We can catch obesity. If your friends are fat, you will be to: new study proves it - Actually useful lingerie story (I like bras) - Delta looking tired and old (my make-up lady says black around the eye is ageing girls, go for brown mascara, especially if you’re pale) - Models wearing not much in an article about skin care
And here it is, the moment that I had been flicking to find. You see, Cosmo did a survey. A body survey. Coz ten years ago they did the same thing; to “empower women to feel sexy in any size.” But the thing is, ten years ago it was about that. It was about pushing for real sized models and realistic images of the women we are and the women we should want to be. I say should want to be because most women don’t have a realistic view of what they should be. I know I don’t. I know I want to be a size ten, but on my frame, with my genetics, I dunno if that will ever happen. Empowerment of women to feel sexy is no longer Cosmo’s mantra, guess what it is now? C’mon, guess…. “you’re all fat and you need to lose weight, lard arses” Ok, sure, they didn’t put it that way, but the fat that one of the first lines of the article is “41.8% are overweight or obese” and all of the new “mantra’s for the noughties” are all about losing weight and getting fit. Long forgotten is the feeling that we should accept our bodies for what they are (and I don’t mean thinking that, hey, I’m fat, I should just keep eating. I’m talking about the fact that some people are always going to be overweight, that’s just the way it is) now its about improving what we’ve got and making you change so you’re what Cosmo wants you to be. “food and fitness are the key to a healthier me” and “I am sexiest when I’m healthy” are two of the new mantras. Ten years ago the latter would have been “being confident in who I am and what I look like is the key to a sexier me.” Everything about the survey tells us to change! And we turn the page, and here it is, the moment that inspired me to write this in the first place (page 122). They have a model that they’ve digitally altered so that there are pictures of her at sizes 8, 10, 12 and 14. They have the stats on what the readers thought about these pictures underneath them. 66% say the size 8 is too skinny, the size 10 had 86% of people saying she’s just right, 25% said the 12 was overweight and 86% said the 14 was overweight. Underneath is this comment: “Women who were overweight were more likely to say the first model was too skinny, when she is in fact she’s a healthy size 8. We’ve come to normalise bigness. What we referred to as a big girl in the 90’s (size 14) is now considered a normal girl, when in fact she is still big.”
Note to Cosmo, I’m a size 14 and know that 1. I’m not a normal size and 2. Am still referred to as a big girl. But my issue with you, Dear Cosmo, is the fact I didn’t need you to tell me that. What happened to the Cosmo that embraced the variety of women, and accepted that there’s a possibility that a size 14 can be healthy and attractive. Because, I can tell you this, that I did not come out of reading lst months body image with the desire to be healthy. I know that that was their aim, but it merely reconfirmed something that I already knew, that you have to be skinny to be attractive and good-looking. Gone is the cosmo of the 90’s where they embraced our differences and tried to get real models on their pages. They’ve pretty much come out and said that they only like it if you are fit and skinny.
Now, like I said, I almost wanted to leave it at this, abandon Cosmo and all they’ve taught me. But I can’t. I need the crazy sex stories and something to make me feel inferior every month, I’m a bit masochistic that way.
Ok, enough on that. I have a couple of other blog ideas coming to, so hopefully it won’t be too long between drinks this time. Does anyone know how to take in a T-shirt? I ordered one from online and it’s a smidge too large, advice wanted!
Watch: so you think you can dance Listen: Under the poision tree - Dashboard Confessional Spend time with: your homework Buy me! Some diamonds! (lol)
Mel September 22 Figuring it all out.welcome back world.
I know, i know, its been a while, so sue me. I'm busy. Well, actually, i am no longer busy, at least not for the next two weeks, coz can you say school holidays?!?!?! Not that i don't have anything planned here's a short list:
- Apply for my passport
-book and organise summer New Zealand trip
- figure out an itineray for possibly US trip next year (can we do the east coast in two weeks?)
- Catch up with the following (but not limited to )people: Robyn, Kylie, Laura, Pawan, Ben G, Jill, Kali
- Mark Anteater SAC's
- Mark my perfect body assignments
- Mark Interesting Organisim Assignments
- Put togther Year 12 Revision Booklet
- Put together revision schedule for year 12's
- book Access Education seminar
- RAS Show (on tuesday)
On top of that i have resolved to excercise before i do anything every single day of the holidays due to my scarily increasing pant size. And i want to see Stardust and Hairspray, and i've bought alot of DVD's oin the last couple of weeks that i need to watch, they're getting lonely without me to watch them.
So thats whats going on now, what, i hear you ask, has been happening?
The last time we spoke i had joined an online dating site. I'm still a member, but maybe less of a fan than i was. It has clarified one thing for me though: I'm a compliment Slut. I love being told i'm hot. Or that i have a great smile. It makes my day. Which is probably why i'm still a member of the site, rather than just taking myself off line. I don't think i'm ready meet strangers though, that bit freaks me out. Especially after i met 1 guy off the site. Sure he wasn't creepy or a weirdo or anything, but anyone who asses my personality based on a one half an hour meeting and a couple of emails, and then tells me i have too much personality, is probably not the guy for me.
Its funny that he picked the one worst thing of myslef to insult. If he's said, your not what iu'm looking for physically, or that your not what i was expecting, your profile says average body type, or your too short or whatever i would have been more ok with it. i know i'm not stunning, i work with what i've got (a good rack and usually good hair). But i've worked hard to make up the deficeit that my looks leave me, by being personable and friendly. Chatty and outgoing. Wow them with personality in the hopes that they'll forget what i look like, or at least be more forgiving of it cozi'm just so damn cool (or cute, or funny, take your pick or positive adjectives). So being told i have too much personality was a blow. I've come to look at it from a differnt perspective, that its not me thats wrong, but him. That e's looking for someone to god worship him and its no wonder he's still single.
But when guys keep telling you "its not you, its me" you being to wonder whether or not that can remain true, that you (you being me) have to start to assume that potentially it is me
But i remain on POF, i keep checking my emails on that site coz i just like being told im pretty. I'm still talking to a few people from the site, the ones that really give me something to work with. I gave up on the investment banker/law student merely coz i need a guy that has more time for me than two afternoons a week. I like the looks of the scuba instructor, and a guy who's some kind of analyst. But i have noticed i'm narrowing down the kind of guy i'm looking for.
Its funny, i've spoken to a couple of guys recently who have told me that they have very specific things they're looking for in a girl, and that their expectations seem to get in the way of what they are faced with in reality. And i don't have a specific thing that i'm looking for. I like to think i'm pretty open. BUT being on POF makes me realise that i know what i'm not looking for.
Here's a brief list:
- Someone who's obsessed with their car (can be ID by user name WRX69)
- Someone with a grasp of the english language, who's heard of punctuation
- Someone who doesn't give it all away to begin with, takes there time
- Someone who doesn't give me a "oh god, you're sleazy" vibe
- No bogans. I feel like a snob in saying it, but someone with an University degree is far more enticing than a tradie. I just think i ahve more in common with them.
And its because of these things that makes me realise that by meeting friends on friends and seducing them, then i've got more of a chance of meeting something thats a good fit, than i will online.
Ok, must dash, i have a date with The Doctor (can't believe its the last ep!)
Watch: Dr Who
Listen: Motion City Soundtrack - Even If it Kills me
Spend time with: Your gym gear
Hugs
Mel August 27 This crazy little thing called....online dating....
Oh yes, i am now part of the Online dating sphere.... And, perhaps, its not as desperate as that sounds.
here's how it happened.
I had been surfing Facebook, when i stumbled on a link that allowed me to find out what was popular that day, and through that i got to read the more popular notes of the day. I came a across a note from a girl who sounded startlingly like me, talking about how she is currently single, but how that doesn't bother her because it really means that she has freedom.... So far, so similar right? Then i kept reading; reading about how it was obviously God's will for her to be celibate and when God wants her to be with some, he'll send someone her way.
So, naturally, hilarity ensued and i had to read that out to all and sundry in my lounge room (read Sarah and Renee). After we laughed, Sarah suggested that she gets on www.plentyoffish.com A free dating website i had never heard of.
So, of course, i had to check it out.
And, of course that meant that i had to create a profile and put myself on there....
I have to say that this isn't the first time i've been on a dating site, Rusty Jill and Laura put me on www.fitandhealthysingles.com for my 21st, but nothing really came of it, i actually think i got into more fights than started romances, but for some reasons, this is so different, and it started one of the most fun Saturday nights i've had in a while. One that ended in two offers for dates and a phone number, without me having to leave the house or change out of my trackies!
Its the perfect situation, coz, really, think about it. My Saturday nights out have never been this productive in terms of guys and i didn't have to go out, pay for cover, or drinks and i didn't waste my sunday being hungover. its the perfect solution for me being a working girl and having no time!
It was just the rate of emails that i don't understand....
I really don't understand it. But by then end of last night, about 24 hours after being online i had at least 70 guys email me, after looking and my profile and deeming that i didn't make them physically sick (some of them even said some really nice things about me!). My profile isn't anything spectacular, just the things i am into, things i'm not into, me trying to be witty and failing..... like i said, nothing special.
its just weird to me. Sarah came into the lounge where i was working last night, after another day of me being completely suprised and overwhelmed by it all, and said to me "has it ever occured to you that you're just way more desirable than you think you are?"
Which, as we all know, is so very true. No matter how many guys on plentyoffish tell me how cute i am, or even the glorious Adam who made my day today by saying "You sound great, you definately don't need to be on this site. Go walk down a street somewhere and get hit on and quit this nonsense!" i'm still under the impression that i'm not that appealing. I'm normal, normal amount attractive (or potentially less than normal amount), normal amount funny, normal amount crazy. I'm not saying these guys are telling me i look like a model, and if i have one more guy call me cute i'm going to flip, but its just a little overwhelming to go from considering yourself undesirable, to having guys persue you so actively (even if it is over the net).
Plus, as much as Sarah and Renee are pushing it, there is something weird about meeting a guy online in my head. Not that he might be an axe murderer, i think i'm good with weeding out the weirdos and creepy people, but its scary. Here i am, meeting someone who i've never even seen, but i'm about to go on a date, a highly anticipatory event thats so charged. I'm not good with these kind of thing on most occasions, why i am i putting myself in these situations? Its like a blind date you set up yourself!
but i'm going to keep going, and maybe it'll be daniel, or chris or adam that turn out to be more than just some guy i chatted to on the internet once....
Ok, i'm going home, i still have a truckload of marking to do!
Watch: So You Think You Can Dance
Listen: Imogen Heap
Read: The Princess Diaries
Spend time with: Your Grandparents.
Lots of love and hugs.
Mel August 15 Funny Funny Year nines!I'm in the middle of marking some assignments that have been building up for a while. I teach a specialised Year nine program, Only girls, 33 or them with two teachers. The unit we are in the process of wrapping up is Adolescence and Development (fancy title for sex ed really) and the first piece of assesment they had to do on it was a presentation (visual, no talking, set to music) on 'What adolescence means to me'
i just want to share some facinating insights into year nine girls: - "Having a boyfriend is a nice thing, but is being friends too boring? " - "Most girls do bad things if they like a boy and that boy does that bad thing. - "Most girls get pregnant younger than the age of 14. They end up killing there babies because they are embarrassed of how old they are to have a baby. Most young Pregnant ladies, tends to get stressed a lot and turn to drugs, because they think drugs is the situation to get rid of the stress and problems that they are going through." - "Your virginity is pure and you only get it once in a lifetime." (You'll have to give them a sweater.... lol.... gilmore girls ref) - "there are some disadvantages of using condoms. The cheap quality ones can break easily and you could get pregnant. " - "Adolescence is the beginning of teenage years where every child physically and mentally change from an innocent and irresponsible child to an adult where they become more reliable and trustworthy." - "Avoid the druggy and bad people." - "Family: It’s quite common in families where they take drugs or don’t really give a shit about you. Families usually just tell you to do this and do that but the don’t care overall. Which usually gives you a thought "no one cares so I can do what I ever I want cause who gives a shit anyway?"." - "However, when we were smaller we would think that there were boy or girl cooties when we accidentally touch each other. Hahaha kids these days!!! " - "Most people are in relationships by the time they are 13. They do things that any other two people can do." So there's some thoughts from todays 15 year olds... Sometimes they scare me senseless! Shout outs to all my OS friends (especially you rust) SO JEALOUS! I spent this morning reading rusty's note and looking at her pics and wondering why isn't that me? What do i get to do instead... oh yeah, teach 15 year olds how to put a condom on.... how i am blessed... Listen to: Paper Walls - Yellowcard Read: And God created the Au Pair Watch: Spicks and Specks Spend time with: Someone who makes you happy. Much love Mel August 12 i can do it!Over the course of last weekend, I spent four nights in a row alone in my house. Its been a while since I had that amount of time alone in the house, with at least one of my housemates always around (not a bad thing). The last time I had a length of time that long (or longer) was over the summer break, but that was rather different. I hate the summer and hated what I was doing at the time and more especially the situations I found myself in and the person I felt I was becoming. This time I am working full time doing something I’m enjoying and I’m enjoying the person I am and the people I’m surrounded by, so its a different headspace to be in, being alone. I saw it as sort of a potential trial run for next year.
Next year things could change a lot or a little, it depends on the way the world consipres to change the life of me and the people around me. As some of you may know, my plans for next year have changed alot over the course of the last 6 months or so, When i first started working this year it was under the presumption that i would be taking next year off to travel; origianlly to the US to visit Jake and Liz, and then to Europe to vist what seemed to be every single person that i know. Then i fell in love with my school and what i was doing. I wanted to see my kids grow up and suceed, i want to be there for more of their lives than just one year, so my plans changed. I thought about just going to the States or Europe for the summer, but it felt like a waste of time and money to spend so much money only to be there for three weeks.
So i'm staying. I'm going to NZ with my mum for some of the summer (i know, i'm such a rager) and then (if they offer me my contract again) i'm staying at HSC for at least another year. Its a logical decision, it means i can save more for when i do travel, it means that if i choose not to go back at the end of next year it will be at a good time for the school, coz they're about to go through a amalgamation, but that decsion not to go OS next year leads to a plethora of other decisions that need to be made. Where and with whom do i want to live with the two most pressing and important of the decsisions.
One of my options is to live alone.
Its funny the different reactions you get from people when you say that you're considering living alone. Some people are so anti-alone that its interesting. Many people were/are concerned that i'll become a hermit and be even more isolated than i am now, that i'll never go out and spend saturday nights alone on my couch watching Dr Who (which i do now, i just tend to do it with Renee and Lis, which apparently makes all the difference). Although the idea seemed scary at first, it gained in appeal. This weekend alone confirmed the fact that i could do it if it came around. Sure, no one else was in my house, but i did things, shopped and had lunch dates with friends (which, due to me finally getting the flu, meant i had to cancel) but i didn't spend the days alone, hermited up.
between work and the internet, i have plenty of things to spend my time on and don't understand the people who seem to go crazy after spending 15 minutes alone in their houses. I like the tranquility, i like the fact that i can be as sloppy and slobby as i want and don't feel that someone is going to be miffed about it. I can sleep on the couch and control the TV. i can play my music as loud as i want and pick tunes that are slightly embarassing (ok, ok, i admit it, i like big girls don't cry, by fergie.... but have you seen that clip???? MILO!!!!! TOPLESS!!!!! he has shoulders i want to take giant mouthfuls of. He's so incredibly lickable). Besides having no one to give me a hug when i did the spazzy thing of jamming my finger in the sliding door, which made me cry, there was no call all weekend for me to feel i needed to be around other people, or that i was going crazy being alone.
Its like Jane said last night when she called from Scotland "i love it here. I'd love it even more if someone else was here to share it with me, but it doesn't stop me from loving it now." Some moments are meant to be shared, but that doesn't stop them from being beautiful moments. The Doctor is still going to be fabulous whether i watch it alone of with my friends. Chocolate brownies are still going to be delicious if i eat them alone in front of Sleepless in Seattle alone, or whether i share them with my housemates (infact, living alone = more brownies for me).
So i'm ok with living alone, if that arises. I now don't think it will, i think it will be flat sharing for Renee and I next year, but i feel good that i can do it if i want to.
On another topic, i've been avidly listening to the Mugglecast's on their road trips, coz they discuss DH for hours at a time. They have the impassioned debates that exercise my brain and the copious amounts of Harry knowledge i have. I found myself yelling at the podcast last week when they were discussing Voldemort and whether he diserves our sympathy, and whether he was actually evil or a product of his loveless upbringing. (type in Muggle cast into iTunes, Numbers 101, 102 and 103 are the DH casts if you're a nerd like me). I can't sympathise with Voldemort, he was evil, he never redeemed him self, never saught friendship or anything resembling human companionship. Love was just a weak emotion, it made you vulnerable and worse, human and frail. He could have saught friendship at his orphanage, school, work, with the death eaters. He could have had Bellatrix at any point after her escape from Azkaban. Even after he saw and felt the power of love in the way that it protected and renewed Harry, he still saw it as something weak and frail. So i don't sympathise with him, i pity him. I pity anyone who can't see the power of love and friendship. I know its one thing that gets me through my dark times. When i think i'm a shit teacher and am in a job thats completely wrong for me i know there are people who will tell me not to be so hard on myself, that i care about my students and a bad teacher wouldn't. That a bad teacher wouldn't be so upset that she's being lazy and not preparing the engaging lessons that she has the abiltiy to do.
or
when i just have a bad day that i could throw a text out that said "i've had a shit day" and have people on the phone to me with offers of drinks, hugs and chocolate. Its comforting. Its a blanket i take with me every where.
Ok, i've avoided work all weekend and now my weekend is slipping away from me at a rapid rate, so i'll sign off.
Listen: Ash - Twilight of the Innocents
Watch: Harry Potter 5 and Season 3 Gilmore girls
Read: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and The Final Summer (of you and me)
Spend time with: Your Best friend
Lots of hugs
mel
Mel July 23 The power of a textI’ve never had a perfect day. I’ve had good days but when I look back at them, regret and circumstance change what they were, or change my attitude to them.
This is pretty much a direct transcript of a text that I sent my friend moments ago. His reply was even more interesting than I thought it could have been, and I’m glad for that, because its blog inspiration! “I might never get better and all our good moments will be spoiled.”
At 22 are we as good as we’ll ever be? Are we fully formed now? Are the attitudes, reactions, emotions, feelings, misgivings not going to change? Are the ways we act and react, the way we treat people, the patterns we find ourselves in set for life now? Our personalities are formed, why not these aspects that make up our personalities? If, say, you find yourself in a pattern of serial monogamy, or getting angry at stupid things or having the same feelings of isolation, anxiety and self loathing something that is now fully ingrained in ourselves or can we break free from this?
I think there’s two separate issues here that I’ll tackle (isn’t that always the case with my musings?). 1: the perfect day. 2: the formed 22 year old.
1. Is there such things as a perfect day? At 22 I’ve had some great days, some that started as perfect, some that were perfect in my memories for a given amount of time even. These are the days when everything goes right, everything is glittering and happy. You look good, you feel great; you spend time with people that make you feel as though there isn’t anywhere else in the world that they’d rather be. And maybe this feeling lasts, maybe that day becomes ingrained in your soul as being the one thing you’d cling to if you were performing a Patronus with a thousand Dementors present. I have had, upon initial reflection, 2 days that I would put in this category: mothers’ day last year and my first concert. The one thing that all of these days have in common now is that some sort of disappointment or negative event has ensured that these days are no longer ranked as perfect in my memory. They are back to slumming it with the other really good times.
The thing is, that these days on there own, in an isolated experience, were perfect days. If my life had stopped the day after I had experience these days, if my life ended May 13th last year or the morning after the Dashboard concert, then I would have been quite contented. If I was asked to live my perfect day over and over again, then these days would be it. And if I die now, and I was asked to relieve a perfect day then I would pick one of these days on one proviso: that I could live these days without the memories I have now. There are things that taint those days for me now. But these things are not things that I experienced on these days, but are things that happened after I was in that day. So these days, contained within themselves are really good days, but the longer I live the more things in my current life come to taint the memories that I have now. Regrets that I have, mistakes that I’ve made, choices that people made about me all change the way I think and feel about the things that have happened to me that I used to think were really good things. But should they? When I reflect on days that have gone by should I try and focus on the way that they were then rather than the way I feel about them now? I feel in doing that you are deluding yourself into thinking incorrectly about the things that happen to you. Events in our lives don’t occur independently from each other, things you do one day impact on things you do in subsequent days. On top of that, things that other people do and say to you or about you also impact on you and the way you view the events in your life. So to talk about a perfect day then you have to take into account the things that have now happened to you, either by your own volition or someone else’s. That is not to say that you can’t have a perfect day, I think you can, I think the perfect day can then also progress into a piece of shit due to the things that happen afterwards. I’d love to have a perfect day that stays intact as a perfect day, a perfect day that remains that way without something stomping the shit out of my perfect day.
So that said:
Issue 2: the fully formed 22 year old. Like I said, this response to my text sent me into two different though directions. I was told in year 12 that by the time you reach high school your personality is fully formed. I’m not sure I agreed with this, but I do think that by the time you’re my age, that your personality is cemented, you’re destined to be that person forever. That said, just because you have a set personality is that the same thing as making the same decision and therefore having the same reactions and actions because that’s what your personality decides? And are the 20’s the best year of our lives and in the “free” state we are in now will mean that the best of us has gone before us, and we are destined to steadily be less of the person we once were? And can we make up for the mistakes that we’ve made or are these things destined to be reoccurring mistakes in our lives? I’ve lived the life where things keep cropping up to spoil things, the same stupid mistake, the same painful circumstance, the same horrific moment changing the way I see a moment or interact with someone in my life. Are we set to be unchanged and be stupid forever?
I like to think that we can have more power over our lives. I think that we have the ability to change the way we do things, but it has to be because we want to. While our personality does have free range on the way we act, we need to be stronger than that, we need to be able to rein it in and change things that are destructive and corrosive.
Ok, I’m supermarket bound All my love and thoughts Mel.
Ps. How AWESOME was Deathly Hallows? I’m not saying anything now, coz I know people haven’t finished it yet. But so awesome! July 07 Sorry! Transformers! Transient! Richard Curtis!Hey!
sorry i've been MIA for so long, a couple of things attributed to this fact: 1. Reports! i can know say that i hate writing reports, especially year seven health. if i never have to do that again it would be too soon, but i have to do it in November, but people keep telling me that its not as bad as this cycle. I can now also say that i have successfully been through my first reporting cycle and first semester as a teacher.... only 50 years to go... lolz. 2. I got sick of the thing si was writing about. Shane said to me on friday night that i should write about things other than being single and i so totally agree with him, i was pissing myself off with my musings, but the worst thing is that whenever i have sat down over the last couple of weeks to write a new blog it has been about the same things again. And its not as if i have a new point to make on the subject matter either! its been the same fricking crap for a couple of months now! Geeez!
So todays will hopefully be something more interesting, or if not interesting, different!
I went to see transformers today, i love a good alien invasion blockbuster.... It was a good movie, completely convincing. but it got me thinking about my role in the apocalypse and i came to the startling revelation that i will be that annoying helpless female character that i hate in these types of movies (think Dakota Fanning in War of the worlds, but fully grown (but not much taller) and less screaming) or even worse and even more likely is that I WON'T BE FEATURED!!!!!!!!!! thats right, when the apocalypse comes i will be nothing more than another death in the tally. You see, my degree hasn't equipped me to play a role in saving the world so i won't be called. Who needs a high school science teacher that can't spell very well? You see, dear readers, if you work for the government in any capacity you're useful. Police, Fire, Ambulance, Doctor, Nurse, Engineer, Computer Nerd, Military, mechanic, all useful. You can save the world, you can be called by the pentagon to chip in! I have no unique knowledge! Unless the invading aliens or giant meteor can be stopped by a crazy amount of Gilmore Girls quotes then you can find me hiding or dead!
I also now realise that its too late in my career for me to change that! i've found i job i love, i'm not gonna give that up to play a role in the impending apocalypse! *sigh* i'll just have to manage with not playing my part and hope that one of you, dear readers, are that person...
Moving on....
The more "serious" thing i was going to write about today was the way that my/our lives have changed since we've moved out of halls, and more specifically, the way they are about to change. My housemate and best friend Jane is leaving the country in 18 day, potentially fovever, i'm tipping for far longer than i want her gone and its made me think about all the movements and impending movements of my friends. I always, and still do actually, hoped for a 'Secret Life of Us' type of living situation. All my close friends living close together, and close to stuff like cafe's and fun things to do. Idyllic days of fun in a park and support from lots of people at the end of the day. But, as i'm continually learning, life doesn't work out like it on TV, At the moment we're all pretty spread out and i think in the next 8 months or so we're going to become even more so as people change states and continents. Instead of forming a tight-knit community in a funky suburb, we're becoming even more transient than before. Even scarier still is that i seemed to be anchored in the middle while everyone goes off and lives uber cool, moveable lives. I love my job so much that i'd commit to it long term when given the choice. I want to see my year 7's grow up and be successful, and that means like 6 years at the one place, while all around me people make international travel plans and try and figure out what to do with their lives.
its always been such a contrast. People always commented on the fact that i was always so sure of what i wanted to do and how cool that was, they had "no idea." And it is cool, i have a pretty secure future, but whats not secure is the people who are going to be there in the future with me..... gone are the delusions of all of the gang in the same street, and they are bleakly replaced with one bedroom flats and coffee alone on a saturday morning. People in Canada, Scotland, Italy, Sydney, Albury.... Anywhere but Melbourne it seems.
Maybe this is the point in our lives that we move on, that our circle of friends evolve to be bigger, more work orientatated. And sure, i love my collegues, but i love my friends too. I'm not saying they're going to be completely removed from my life. with the joy of the internet, transcontinental connection is easier than ever, but its not easy. I love Liz to death, but there's something aboiut living on the otherside of the world that means that our friendship isn't was it would be of she, say, lived in the same city. and i think in alot of situations, the closer in location the closer you are. sure, some friends should never live together, but in the same street. with that ease of access. i think for me it is impart about creating that same community feel of halls with the freedom and flexibilty of having a house. I miss that people aren't just "around" like they used to. that i can go a month and a half without seeing anyone that i don't work or live with. And, again, my fault for not forcing myself on people, watering that lawn that is friendship so to speak, but my point to all of this is that if i don't see or talk to people who live several suburbs away whats it going to be like when we're all so spread?
I sometimes long for the easy days of our parents and grandparents (socially, in some contexts. Not the waqr, or the lack of technology. or repression of women). When everything was so straight-forward and accepted. Sure it would be stifiling sometimes, but is being like that any worse than the immense freedom we have now? are we any better off with all this freedom we have? are we any happier? Ok, i'm glad that i don't have to retire when i get married, but look at the nature of "Generation Y": will have 7 different careers in their working lives, getting married later or not at all, less children, bigger houses, more stuff... but are out lives any more complete than our parents? Are we filling our lives with stuff and changing jobs so often because we're unhappy and unsatisfied? And why are we like that? raised to believe that we could have anything and now we want it or deluded into thinking that money, status and stuff mean that we'll be happy?
I think its the bonds we make with other people and the way that we maintain these bonds that are really the way we should really measure this. I've just come off a weekend where we i spent hours of time with the people that mean the most to me and that left me way more fufilled than being payed or buying stuff today (although, i'll tell you that i have killer shoes and finally found the totally hot bra i have been searching for).
So, simple thing to remember: Don't leave me!
On an end note, watched the greatest trio of movies over the time i spent at home: 4 Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill and Love actually. Richard Curtis is a genius. Pure romantic genius. Topped it off with The Holiday today.... Perfet week really.
I was going to write about chick-flicks and love and stuff, but i'll spare you that tonight!
Lots of love
Mel
xoxo
ps. i have a girl-crush on Meg Cabot (www.megcabot.com) she is so awesome. I want to be like her when i get bigger. |
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